“And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. Like, today, instead of just saying, ‘Oh, from North to South,’ he said, ‘From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.’ That sounds so much better than, ‘From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.'” –Jay Leno
“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno
“Well, here’s something I learned on the Discovery Channel. Researchers say that animals actually plan for the future. And I think it’s true. For example, do you know that most animals sold all their stocks at the end of 2006?” –Jay Leno
“And one of the hardest hit businesses in this failing economy is plastic surgery. Fewer and fewer people are getting plastic surgery. How ironic is that? The one time you really need a smile on your face, you can’t even afford to get it.” –Jay Leno
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